In this article, we will examine the signs that he hates you but loves you and what to do if you are in a love-hate relationship.
Love is a complex emotion that can sometimes manifest in unexpected ways. Sometimes you find yourself in relationships where you have strong feelings for each other but do not consistently express them.
In a love-hate relationship, your boyfriend loves you on some occasions, and on others, he hates you. People in a love-hate relationship may speak harshly to you, but they don’t mean them.
A love-and-hate relationship is not healthy and may lead to problems down the road.
In addition, as the relationship grows and the feelings get more complicated, you might worry about getting overwhelmed by the negative feelings.
Signs He Hates You But Loves You
Are you in a love-hate relationship? If you think he loves you but hates you, there are signs to look out for.
1. You Are In A Breakup And Makeup Cycle
If he hates you and loves you, you will always be in a breakup and makeup cycle.
When you fight, you have horrible fights that lead to break up; however, after some time, he will miss you and want you back in his life.
Moreover, in a love-hate relationship, there will always be threats of breaking up after every fight. In these times, you feel he hates you.
However, after he has cooled down, he will come and shower you with love and promise to commit to you.
You will make up and forget the fight you had. But, unfortunately, this breakup makeup cycle repeats itself over and over.
For instance, I was caught in a hot and cold relationship a while back. We would break up and make up more than twice a month.
In the one year, we were in an on-and-off relationship. We were together for about five months cumulatively.
2. You Romanticize The Fights
If you are in a love-hate relationship, you romanticize the friction and fights. Unfortunately, we have seen these types of relationships all too often in movies and novels.
The narrative that romance is drama and conflict sells. However, this is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship.
Moreover, if you grew up in an environment where there were a lot of fights, you may interpret this as the right way to love, and being in a love-hate relationship will all seem normal to you.
You may interpret the highs as a passion if you always fight with your boyfriend. You may think this is romantic, but I assure you it is not.
3. Your Loved Ones Worry About You
If you are in a love-hate relationship, you may not realize it, but your loved ones are worried about you.
Has any of your loved ones told you you are in an unhealthy relationship? Is anyone concerned that your boyfriend isn’t treating you well?
If this is the case, he hates you but loves you, he is giving you a hot and cold treatment, and your loved ones don’t like it. They should notice your relationship is toxic unless they are in unhealthy relationships too.
Moreover, if he hates you but loves you, your friends will not like him, and chances are his friends do not like you either.
If he doesn’t like your friends and they don’t like him, he is not the right fit for you. The people close to us will see when we are in troubled relationships before we do because we tend to look at our partners with rose-colored goggles.
Your friends may not tell you they have concerns over your relationship, but if they do, you better listen to them.
They are not trying to ruin your relationship; on the contrary, they are saving you from an abusive relationship.
4. He Sabotages You
If a guy hates you but loves you, he will subtly sabotage you. According to relationship therapist Daniel Harrison, “Subtle acts of sabotage, such as “forgetting” important dates or commitments, can reflect unresolved resentment or anger towards you, even if they still love you.
So, if your boyfriend always forgets your important dates, he hates you but loves you. He wants to frustrate you because he secretly resents you.
For instance, if you have an important function at work, where you receive a prize or a ceremony in your honor, he will deliberately forget about the function.
He may still love you, but he resents you and wants to sabotage your progress.
Moreover, if you need help with something and ask him beforehand, he will “forget” because he doesn’t want to help.
5. He Is Emotionally Withdrawn
A guy who hates you but loves you will be emotionally withdrawn. A man who hates you but loves you will not be there for you when you need him emotionally. He is not someone you can rely on because he is not consistent.
Moreover, a guy who hates you but loves you will never give you a safe space to be vulnerable. If you are in a love-hate relationship, your boyfriend may even be upset with you if you talk about your feelings.
According to Samantha Jenkins, a psychologist, your boyfriend may use emotional withdrawal as a defense mechanism if he loves and hates you.
According to Jenkins, he may distance himself to protect his own emotional well-being.
6. You Don’t Know Where The Relationship Is Going
If you are with someone who hates you but loves you, you will never know where the relationship is heading. One day you are sure you are okay, and the next day your boyfriend doesn’t want to see you.
Being in a love-hate relationship is like being on a roller coaster. You have extreme highs and lows and are stuck in a vicious cycle.
In a love-hate relationship, you don’t see a future with this guy one day, but the next, he shows you he can commit, and you think you can be together forever.
If he hates you but loves you, he will string you along without a defined plan of what you are doing or where you are going.
Being in a love-hate relationship is like being on the road with many detours and no destination in mind.
7. You Barely Talk To Each Other
In a love-hate relationship, you will barely talk to each other. When you are together, you have nothing to say to each other. You don’t feel comfortable talking to your partner about your problems.
Moreover, if he hates you but loves you, you will not have an emotional connection and will not feel safe being vulnerable with your partner.
As a result, you will always walk on eggshells when in a love-the relationship and barely talk to your partner.
If he hates you but loves you, you will tend to talk more about the relationship with your friends and family than you talk to him about it.
For instance, if you are in a love-hate relationship, you will complain to your friends about how your boyfriend treats you trying to get a different perspective. You hope they see the relationship differently from what you see.
For example, when I was in an on-and-off relationship, I would talk to my friends about it, and they all thought I should leave. However, I would always find myself back with the guy.
8. You Walk On Eggshells
If you are in a love-hate relationship, you will always play safe in the relationship. This is because you are afraid that you will say or do something that will make your boyfriend mad, and he will leave you.
If he hates you but loves you, you are never free to be yourself. You always have to have your guard up and filter through your feelings and words because you never know what will anger your boyfriend.
In a love-the relationship, your boyfriend gets annoyed at you for no reason, and you don’t want to anger him.
But, unlike in a healthy relationship, where you can love without boundaries and accept each other’s flaws, in a love-hate relationship, you have to be careful what you say and do.
9. He Is Extremely Jealous
If he hates you and loves you, he is extremely jealous. In a love-hate relationship, jealousy fuels the relationship.
Your boyfriend is extremely jealous; he mistreats you but will throw a fit if another guy as much as looks in your direction.
This possessiveness may lead you to believe he loves you; however, it’s a sign of insecurity.
A little jealousy is good in a relationship because it shows your boyfriend values you and is afraid to lose you. However, in a love-hate relationship, jealousy fuels the relationship.
Your boyfriend knows you deserve better, but he is not ready to be a better boyfriend and will not want to let you go.
He will even invade your privacy and possibly stalk you so you don’t talk to other guys.
10. You Have Trauma Bonds
Most times, a love-hate relationship creates a trauma bond. A trauma bond is when you are attached to someone who is hurting you. The person may be emotionally or physically abusing you.
If he hates you and loves you, you will have a million reasons to leave, but you will always find one reason to stay. You will always defend him even if everyone else sees how badly he treats you.
If you are wondering if you have a trauma bond in your relationship, there are several signs you can look out for.
First, you will ignore all the red flags in the relationship, your boyfriend will also isolate you, and you will keep the problems in the relationship a secret.
Finally, if you have trauma bonded with your abuser, you will justify his actions. For instance, if he hits you, you will say you deserve it because you did something to anger him.
You will always find reasons for his actions; it will always be your fault and never his.
In a love-hate relationship, you feel stuck; you want to leave but don’t know how to, or you are unable to leave.
Your partner will erode your self-esteem and gaslight you into believing you are the problem and no one else but him can love you.
11. There Is No Intimacy
In a love-hate relationship, you don’t have real intimacy. You don’t trust your boyfriend enough to be vulnerable with him, and you don’t respect each other.
Real intimacy needs one to be vulnerable with their partner. However, if he hates you but loves you, you will have a hard time being vulnerable with him because you don’t know when he will change.
As much as he may love you sometimes, you don’t have the intimacy to address the problems in the relationship without fear.
Real intimacy needs one to be open and talk without fear of judgment and criticism; however, when you are in a love-hate relationship, your boyfriend will always judge you and find fault in everything you do.
Deep down, you will feel he hates you even when he shows he loves you. If you are in a love-hate relationship, you may never experience real intimacy.
What To Do If You Are In A Love-Hate Relationship
If he hates you but loves you, you will want to get off the roller coaster and into more solid ground.
However, it is essential to know that you can’t fix some love-hate relationships, and the only thing you can do is leave.
1. Get A Support System
If you are in a love-hate relationship, you need to get a support system. You may not be able to talk to your boyfriend, especially when you are in the hate phase of the relationship, but you can talk to your friends.
Have a few trusted friends whom you can confide in when things get sour. These friends may be the ones to save you when you need saving.
Moreover, a good support system will help you leave the abusive relationship because, believe it or not, a love-hate relationship is emotionally abusive.
2. Talk To A Therapist
You should talk to a relationship therapist if he hates you but loves you. They will help you understand the complex dynamics of your relationship and how to make it work.
Moreover, a therapist will help your boyfriend work through the issues that make him love and hate you simultaneously.
He may have grown up in an environment where this is the only way people express love, and he will need to change his conditioning.
Moreover, if you are in a love-hate relationship because of trauma bonding, a therapist will help you work to break the trauma bond and give you tools to get into healthier relationships.
Additionally, a therapist will help you work to improve the self-esteem your boyfriend has taken from you.
In a love-hate relationship, your partner erodes your esteem and makes you believe no one else, but him can love you. You need to change this mindset.
3. Know Your Worth
When in a love-hate relationship, your partner may condition you to think you are worthless and that he is the only one who can love you. You will get addicted to the dysfunctional relationship.
However, if he hates you but loves you, you must remember your worth. Remember who you were before you got into this roller coaster.
If you grew up in an environment that made you susceptible to love-hate relationships, know you are worthy of love. You are worthy of unconditional love, and you deserve acceptance.
You are worthy just the way you are. You don’t need to be perfect for them to love you.
Moreover, you must love yourself to get out of a love-hate relationship. Self-love goes a long way to show others how they should treat you.
If you don’t love yourself enough, you will accept mistreatment from your partner.
4. Build Healthy Boundaries
Often people in love-hate relationships do not have boundaries. To fix a love-hate relationship, you need to set healthy boundaries.
For example, tell your boyfriend what you expect from the relationship, how much you can give, and what you will take.
Do not compromise on your boundaries, and respect your partner’s boundaries. Moreover, when setting the boundaries, ensure you also set the consequences of violating the boundaries. Finally, ensure your boundaries are consistent and precise.
Boundaries can take time to build, even in healthier relationships, so you must be patient and unlearn many things you have conditioned your mind on.
5. Address Your Attachment Issues
If you are in a love-hate relationship and have trauma bonds, you must deal with your attachment issues.
Understand why you have a trauma bond with this guy. Do you fear rejection? If you fear rejection, you will not want to leave the relationship even if it doesn’t work because you feel no one else will love you.
Once you deal with attachment issues, you can create healthier bonds and have healthier relationships.
I know this is easier said than done. However, sometimes the only way to win in a love-hate relationship is not to play. If he hates you but loves you, you should leave the relationship.
You need to be with someone who loves you all the time, not only when it is convenient for him.
Remember, you are worthy of unconditional love and respect. If your boyfriend doesn’t offer you this, you need to walk away from the relationship.
Love-hate relationships can be addictive, and you must leave while you can. If you trauma bond with your partner, you may find it more difficult to walk away.
Remember, you are worthy of love, you are worthy of respect, and you deserve better.
Love-hate relationships are frustrating, one minute, he loves you, and the next, he hates you. These relationships are unhealthy and will lead to bigger problems down the road.
If a guy hates you but loves you, there are several signs to look for. Some signs he hates you but loves you include; you are in a breakup and makeup cycle, you romanticize the fights, he sabotages you, and your loved ones worry about you.
Moreover, if your boyfriend is emotionally withdrawn, you don’t know where the relationship is going, you barely talk to each other, or you walk on eggshells, he hates you but loves you.
In addition, if you have a trauma bond, he is extremely jealous, or you don’t have real intimacy, you are in a love-hate relationship.
If you are in a love-hate relationship, you should talk to a therapist, get a support system, address your attachment issues, and build healthy boundaries.
If he hates you but loves you, you know your worth. Remember, you are worthy of unconditional love and respect, and you deserve better.
If your boyfriend doesn’t change, you should leave the relationship. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally; if you can’t get it in your relationship, leave. You deserve better.
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Sarah Williams is an author at CandidHaven.com she is an expert in human psychology having graduated with an M.S. in Psychology.
Sarah has extensive experience in relationships and dating therapy having worked for over 6 years with different groups of people including teens, dating couples, and married people.
She is a lover of life, and self-development and believes everyone deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship. Sarah loves reading self-help books and doing research on human psychology.