This article will examine why your boyfriend chooses his sister over you and give advice on what you can do about it.
Having a boyfriend who loves his sisters and values their family is admirable. It shows you he will also love you as he has grown loving others. However, it can be a bit problematic if your boyfriend chooses his sister over you.
Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean living in isolation. You will have other people, including your parents and siblings.
Being in a relationship and starting your own family and life together is beautiful. The problems come in when relationships with other people like in-laws and siblings cross boundaries.
You will feel neglected if your boyfriend starts choosing his family over you. You will feel like you no longer matter to your boyfriend.
If this is the case, you are not alone; many people say their partners choose their families over them, leaving them feeling alone and neglected.
Reasons Your Boyfriend Chooses His Sister Over You
When your boyfriend chooses his sister over you, you may think your relationship has no future.
However, you should first understand many reasons why your boyfriend chooses his sister over you. Here are some reasons your boyfriend will choose his sister over you.
1. He Is Feeling Guilty For Spending Less Time With Her
Your boyfriend may prioritize his sister’s needs over yours if he feels guilty about spending less time with her.
If your boyfriend had a close bond with the sister before you were together, he might feel guilty for not spending as much time with her as he used to before you came along.
For instance, if the sister is your boyfriend’s only sibling, they have been spending a lot of time together since they were kids, and here you are, new to the relationship.
Your boyfriend may feel guilty for spending less time with his sister than he is used to, and he will compensate for the less time by prioritizing his sister’s needs over yours.
2. He Feels Responsible For Her
Your boyfriend may choose his sister over you if he is responsible for her. It cannot be easy to come between two people when one is responsible for the other.
While your boyfriend loves you with all he has, he will still choose his sister over you if he is responsible for her.
For instance, if your boyfriend is responsible for his sister like seeing her through school and caring for her needs, he will choose her over you.
He will choose his sister over you because he feels it’s his responsibility to see to his sister’s needs, and he will move mountains for her while you may feel he does not give you the same attention.
However, your boyfriend may try to balance the equation and give you two equal attention. But you may have a tug-of-war with the sister fighting for your boyfriend’s attention.
3. He Has Promises To Keep
Sometimes your boyfriend chooses his sister over you because of some promises he made that bind him and is bound to keep.
For instance, if your boyfriend promised to look after the sister before you came along, he will be bound by the promise. Therefore, he will do everything to keep the promise to his sister.
4. He Expects You To Be More Understanding
Your boyfriend started dating you because he felt you could be more accommodating. He expects you to understand the bond he has with his sister.
Suppose you have the same likes and dislikes as your boyfriend, from music and books to your favorite celebrities. He may expect you to understand the bond he shares with his sister.
You may have gotten into a relationship out of excitement without thinking about how your boyfriend’s relationship with his family will affect your relationship.
According to research, parents influence your marital quality, so if his family is in his business, he expects you to understand and accommodate them.
Moreover, he could choose his sister over you if his parents influence him, which he hopes you will understand.
5. He Is Testing You
Sometimes your boyfriend and his sister may decide to play a prank on you to test your loyalty to him. It can be a harmless prank they play without knowing its impact on your mind and mental health.
For instance, your boyfriend and the sister can play a prank to see if you will get mad if he chooses the sister over you. She may call him at odd hours of the night asking for absurd things, and he will jump to her rescue every single time.
The prank will be okay for the first time, but if the prank persists, you will start getting annoyed; after all, we all have our breaking points.
If this is the case, you should tell them their prank’s impact on you and ask them to stop if they do not cease playing tricks on you. Neither of them deserves you in their lives.
6. His Sister Intimidates Him
Sometimes your boyfriend may choose the sister over you if his sister intimidates him. For instance, if the boyfriend’s sister raised him, takes care of the household, and has all the finances, he may choose her over you.
He may feel he needs to please his sister to have a say in the family. But, on the other hand, his sister may be gaslighting him to submission.
For example, if she saw your boyfriend through school or helped him out when he was in trouble, he will use that to guilt trip him into doing what she wants. He, therefore, ends up choosing her over you so she won’t guilt-trip him.
7. He Chose You Because Of His Sister
According to research, when choosing a partner, you may be influenced by your parents or family of origin. So, your boyfriend could be with you because you have many traits like his sister.
Your boyfriend, was attracted to you because you did things or said things like his sister. He sees a reflection of his sister in you, and that’s why he got together with you in the first place.
You boyfriend sees his sister as the matrilineal figure, and because he can’t sleep with her, he gets someone he sees who is similar. I know this is quite weird and disturbing, but it happens.
8. He Isn’t Serious About You
I know this answer is not what you want to hear, but let me be the devil’s advocate for a minute.
Your boyfriend may be choosing his sister over you because he is not serious about you. You may be serious with your boyfriend and think of him as your forever person, but you are just a fling to him.
If your boyfriend isn’t serious about you, he will always prioritize his sister and other people, for that matter, over you because he will not be with you in the long run and prefers prioritizing people who will be in his life in the long run.
For example, he may be seeing other people on the side, and his sister knows about them; therefore, he will treat his sister well and prioritize her so she won’t spill the beans about the other women in his life.
If you think he is not serious about you, here are some signs to look out for;
- He doesn’t introduce you to his family.
- He doesn’t prioritize you.
- He doesn’t show you off.
- His friends don’t know you.
- He doesn’t want to meet your family.
- He won’t move in with you.
- He looks at other females online.
- He does not want to define the relationship.
- He does not talk about the future with you.
- He doesn’t open up to you.
9. He Lives At Home
According to recent studies by Pew Research Center, more men (35%) aged 18 to 34 are likely to live with their parents than with a partner or spouse.
So if your boyfriend’s living arrangement is with the parents, he will choose his sister, mom, and his family ties over you because they have a stronger emotional connection.
Moreover, he will choose his family because he lives with them, and it goes without saying he will want to keep peace in the house and place he lives in, or else they will kick him out.
What To Do If Your Boyfriend Chooses His Sister Over You
If you are in a situation where your boyfriend chooses his sister over you, you may wonder how to tip the scales in your favor.
There are many things you can do to remedy the situation, and some of them include the following;
Communication is vital for any relationship to thrive, and without communication, you will keep bumping heads. Studies show that commitment alone will not lead to marital satisfaction without healthy communication patterns in a relationship.
Therefore, if your boyfriend chooses his sister over you and it bothers you, tell him. Speak your feelings to your boyfriend honestly and tell him how choosing his sister over you makes you feel.
When speaking with him, avoid being aggressive and using accusatory language. Try to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements which may come off as accusatory.
Instead of saying, “you make me feel unwanted when you take your sister’s side.” Say, “I feel unwanted when you take your sister’s side.”
The first statement will make him feel as if you are accusing him of something wrong or making you feel unwanted, while the second statement is you telling him your opinion and truth, how you feel, without pointing a finger towards him.
Let him tell you how he feels about the situation when you talk. You may find that he is unaware he chooses his sister as he does so unconsciously.
For a relationship to work, there must be compromises from both parties. So, if your boyfriend chooses his sister over you, compromise.
For instance, if your boyfriend wants the sister to spend weekends with you, you can compromise and have her for two weekends in a month; this way, you will spend quality time with your boyfriend for two weekends, and he will get to spend time with his sister the other weekends. Everyone is happy.
You do not have to fight with him over his family, and you will not force him to choose between his family and you. High chances are you will lose.
When you compromise, you are letting your boyfriend know his sister is an integral part of his life, but you are also important and deserve to be his priority too.
3. Work Together To Find A Solution
If your boyfriend chooses his sister over you, do not fight him over it, nor should you turn him against his sister. Instead, you should act as a team and devise a solution to the problem together.
A relationship takes work, and both parties should be ready to make an effort to make it work. When you work together, present the solution to the sister as a unit. Presenting solutions as a couple will prevent future conflicts.
4. Give Him Time To Change
Change begins within, and you cannot change if you do not want to. So, if your boyfriend chooses his sister over you, give him time to change. No one can influence his decision to be better, not you or his family.
If left to his own devices, your boyfriend may realize the error of his ways and change. He will start prioritizing you without you telling him about it.
You should not nag or demand he chooses between you and his sister; after all, blood is thicker than water, and he will choose his sister over you.
Moreover, it is not a matter of choosing one over the other; it is a matter of understanding, compromising, and agreeing. You are both important to him and serve different purposes in his life.
If your boyfriend chooses his sister over you because he is not serious with you, it may be time to leave.
You do not want to stay in a relationship with someone who sees you as a fling when you consider him your forever person.
So, if he is not serious with you, walk away and get someone willing to love you and commit to you for the long run. You deserve better than him, you deserve love and commitment.
Being in a relationship with someone who is close to their family is good because you feel they will be able to love you as they love their family. However, it can be problematic if your boyfriend chooses his sister over you.
There are several reasons why your boyfriend may choose the sister over you, the reasons include being intimidated by her, feeling guilty for spending less time with her, feeling responsible for her, or he has promises to keep.
Moreover, if your boyfriend is not serious about you or chooses you because of his sister, he may choose his sister over you. He may also expect you to be more understanding and compromising, or he is just testing you.
If your boyfriend chooses his sister over you, you should talk to him and tell him how you feel. Ensure you are polite and do not come off as accusatory.
You should compromise and be a team player with your partner. However, if he chooses his sister because he is not serious about you, you should leave him and get someone serious and willing to commit long-term.
Photo by Craig Adderley on Pexels.com
Sarah Williams is an author at CandidHaven.com she is an expert in human psychology having graduated with an M.S. in Psychology.
Sarah has extensive experience in relationships and dating therapy having worked for over 6 years with different groups of people including teens, dating couples, and married people.
She is a lover of life, and self-development and believes everyone deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship. Sarah loves reading self-help books and doing research on human psychology.