This article will examine why your boyfriend may get angry when you talk about your feelings and what you can do about the situation.
In a relationship, you want your partner to be your go-to person when you have a problem. You expect them to listen to you and offer a shoulder to cry on.
So, it can be very confusing and frustrating if your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings.
We all have feelings, and sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us. You need someone to listen to and comfort you when the feelings overwhelm you.
Your boyfriend is the best person to go to when this happens; he understands and knows you.
Moreover, being a confidant, he should know what you are going through. However, not everyone has the luxury of having their boyfriends understand them.
Sometimes your boyfriend may be closed off and get angry when you talk about your feelings.
Women tend to talk more about their feelings and look for ways to solve them, unlike men who will sit with their emotions and see talking about feelings as a waste of time.
Reasons Your Boyfriend Gets Angry When You Talk About Your Feelings
Anger comes from many places, and your boyfriend getting angry when you talk about your feelings may not be about what you say but about him.
Your boyfriend may get angry when you talk about your feelings for many reasons. Some of these reasons include the following;
1. He Is Embarrassed
Your boyfriend may get mad when you talk about your feelings because he doesn’t know what to do with the feelings.
In my opinion, there is nothing that most men fear more than a crying woman; and most women tend to cry when they talk about their feelings.
A woman’s tears will send a man panicking than seeing this phone fall three stories.
When you talk about your feelings, your boyfriend knows what to do about it, and he gets embarrassed.
Unfortunately, most men don’t know how to express their feelings, and they will likely get angry because they do not know how to handle the embarrassment of not knowing how to handle your feelings.
If your man gets angry when you talk about your feelings because he is embarrassed, it is not about you.
2. Societal Expectations
Society expects men to be strong and composed all the time. Unfortunately, this unrealistic standard makes most men closed off and unable to open up about their feelings.
According to research, men are unable to express their feelings because, from a young age, some men were told that expressing their feelings was weak. No man wants to seem weak, so they will avoid talking about feelings.
You may put your boyfriend on the spot when you come to your boyfriend with your feelings. He will get defensive because he does not know how to deal with the feelings.
Moreover, if you talk to your boyfriend about your feelings, you may stir up his feelings too, which he may not appreciate.
Most men grew up in a society that discourages men from feeling their feelings. If your boyfriend grew up in such an environment, he would have difficulty talking about or handling feelings.
For instance, if your boyfriend was told men don’t cry when he was little, he will not be able to handle emotions as an adult, and your talking about your feelings may make him angry.
According to Sandra Bem’s Bem Sex Role Inventory (BSRI), a scale that measures masculinity, femininity, and androgyny, of the stereotypical feminine traits scales on the scale, about half refer to emotionality.
So, if your boyfriend gets angry when you show and talk about your feelings, it is not about you but about the societal expectations imposed on him by society. He does not want to seem feminine and emotional.
3. Lack Of Emotional Intelligence
Some people lack emotional intelligence and will have a hard time with their emotions and other people’s emotions.
For example, suppose your boyfriend has low emotional intelligence. In that case, he will struggle to identify and understand their feelings and have a hard time recognizing and empathizing with your emotions.
If you have watched the 2014 series Scorpion or The Big Bang Theory, you should know something about emotional intelligence.
In Scorpion, Walter is a genius whose emotional intelligence is very low and has challenges communicating and dealing with his colleagues. When Paige joins the company, she helps him improve his emotional intelligence.
In The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon lacks emotional intelligence and has difficulties dealing with people and making friends.
So, if your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings, it could be he lacks emotional intelligence and does not know what to do with the information you give him, and the only emotion he can muster is anger.
4. He Is Avoiding Uncomfortable Conversations
Sometimes your boyfriend will get angry when you talk about your feelings because he wants to avoid having uncomfortable conversations.
If your boyfriend gets defensive when you talk about your feelings, he could be avoiding the conversation because they do not want to open up about their own feelings.
However, if your boyfriend always gets defensive when you talk about your feelings, it could be a sign of more underlying problems.
Some of the reasons your boyfriend could avoid having difficult conversations include the following;
- Impulse: it’s human nature to be defensive, so it’s normal if your boyfriend gets defensive when having an uncomfortable conversation.
- Trauma: if your boyfriend has a past trauma that came from someone talking about their feelings, they will get defensive when you talk about your feelings.
- He can’t control his emotions: sometimes, your boyfriend will get angry when having uncomfortable conversations because he cannot control his emotions. This may lead to more problems down the road if not handled carefully.
- He lacks communication skills: if your boyfriend lacks communication skills, he will get angry when you talk about your feelings because he doesn’t know how to put his own feelings into words.
- You blame him: if you always blame your boyfriend for what you are going through, he will get defensive when you talk about your feelings.
5. He Is Overwhelmed
Sometimes your boyfriend will get angry when you talk about your feelings if he is overwhelmed. Sometimes you make your partner a therapist, and it may overwhelm them. First, they cannot handle your complex emotions, and they may feel overwhelmed.
Secondly, your boyfriend may have problems of his own which he may not be able to share with anyone, and you adding your feelings to the mix will make him overwhelmed, and he will get angry at you.
For instance, the other day, I was so absorbed in what was happening in my life that I did not listen to my boyfriend’s needs.
I dumped all my feelings on him without realizing he was going through something too. The result was me feeling unheard and him feeling unseen. He got defensive when I continued talking about my feelings.
6. He Feels Attacked
Your boyfriend may get angry when you talk about your feelings if he feels attacked. Sometimes when you talk about your feelings, you may use accusatory language that makes your partner feel like you are attacking him.
According to research, people get defensive when you start a statement with “you.” For instance, if you talk to your boyfriend about your feelings, say, “You do not appreciate me.” He will be defensive; he will not listen to you and start defending himself.
It is an accusatory statement. It seems like it’s his fault; you feel how you do. Instead, you should say, “I feel unappreciated.” This statement makes it about you and not him.
Moreover, when talking about your feelings, refrain from using words like never and always. These words will make your partner defensive and may escalate your talk about feelings into a conflict.
7. He Thinks It Is A Waste Of Time
Your boyfriend may get angry when you talk about your feelings if he thinks it is a waste of time. Men generally don’t like talking about their feelings, and if you want to talk to him about your feelings, he may feel you are keeping him from doing more important things.
Most men would rather wrestle a crocodile than talk about feelings, so if your boyfriend has something else he would rather be doing, he will get angry because he considers you talking about your feelings a waste of his time.
8. He Feels Guilty
Your boyfriend may get angry when you talk about your feelings if he is the one who hurt you. He will get angry at himself for hurting you because the guilt will eat him from the inside.
Some men will not know how to face a situation where they hurt their partners or do not know how to take responsibility and will shut down.
Moreover, if your boyfriend is guilty of hurting you, he may not know how to respond to you talking about your feelings, which will frustrate him and make him angry.
What To Do If Your Boyfriend Gets Angry When You Talk About Your Feelings
It is frustrating when your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings. After all, he is supposed to be your shoulder to lean on.
So, if your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings, you will want to know how to deal with the situation.
Here are some things you can do if your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings.
1. Be Patient With Him
If your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings, you should be patient and compassionate with him.
According to Moshe Ratson, a licensed marriage therapist, anger stems from deeper emotions such as sadness, fear, or pain.
Your partner may be angry when you talk about your feelings because he is afraid to lose you. In most cases, people talk about their feelings when hurt or overwhelmed. Your boyfriend may get angry because he hurt you and is afraid you will leave him.
Moreover, he may get angry if he is overwhelmed with his own feelings and doesn’t know how to deal with them.
Therefore, it is important to cut your boyfriend some slack. Listen to him and understand where he is coming from. A little patience and compassion go a long way.
2. Communication
Most of the issues in relationships boil down to good old communication. So, if your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings, it is time to have a candid conversation with him.
Talk about both your needs and expectations in the relationship. It is important to understand why he gets angry instead of listening to you when you talk about your feelings and helping you if you need help.
Good communication in the relationship will help you get to the underlying causes of his anger. For all you know, it is not about you and your feelings.
3. Approach Him At The Right Time
Sometimes your boyfriend will get angry when you talk about your feelings if you approach him at a bad time. When you need to talk about your feelings, timing is everything.
Don’t approach your boyfriend when he is in the middle of a school or work project; he will get mad because he sees you are wasting his time.
It is bad enough for him that you want to talk about your feelings, and it is worse that the timing is not right.
When your boyfriend is calm and relaxed, he will be more receptive to your conversation about your feelings.
So, approach him when he is calm and happy. Then, he will listen to you better, and you will feel heard and appreciated.
4. Share Your Feeling With Others
Your boyfriend may get angry with you when you talk about your feelings if he is overwhelmed.
Sometimes we want our partners to be everything to us, and no one can be everything. So, sharing your feelings with others is better to avoid overwhelming your boyfriend.
Moreover, it is not everything you should share with your boyfriend. With that in mind, some things you should share with your best friend, while others you should share with your therapist.
Human beings are complex with more complex feelings. Sometimes dumping your emotions on your boyfriend will do more harm than good. Some emotions call for a professional to debunk and help you through.
5. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings because of some underlying issues such as trauma or fear of abandonment.
If your boyfriend gets mad because of underlying issues, a therapist will help him sort through his issues and give him tools to communicate better with you instead of getting angry.
Moreover, a therapist will help you with tips on how to approach your boyfriend when you need to talk about your feelings and also show you the appropriate feelings to share with your boyfriend so you do not do an emotional dump on him.
Parting Shot
Your boyfriend getting angry when you talk about your feelings is frustrating and confusing because he is supposed to be your ride-or-die.
It will also lead to many problems in the relationship because you will be left feeling unappreciated and unheard while he feels guilty and overwhelmed.
There are many reasons your boyfriend may get angry when you talk about your feelings; some include; societal expectations, feeling overwhelmed, lack of emotional intelligence, and embarrassment.
Moreover, if your boyfriend feels attacked or guilty, he will get angry when you talk about your feelings. On the other hand, he may get mad if he is trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
You can remedy the situation by communicating with him and being patient and compassionate. Moreover, timing is essential when you talk about your feelings.
On the other hand, you can share your feelings with other people, like your best friend, siblings, or therapist.
If all else fails, seek professional help. A professional will help you debunk your feelings and show your boyfriend how to deal with his underlying issues.
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