In this article, we will help you understand why your boyfriend blames you for everything, how it affects your relationship and what you can do about it.
In a relationship, it is frustrating when your partner blames you for everything. Granted that sometimes you may be to blame for what happened, having your boyfriend blame you for everything will take a toll on you and the relationship.
According to Dr. Thomas Jordan, a clinical psychologist and founder of Love Life Learning Centre, chronic blaming is a form of emotional abuse. If the blaming is a one-off, it isn’t classified as abuse, but if your boyfriend blames you for everything, he is emotionally abusing you.
If you are in a situation where you can’t seem to make your boyfriend happy, and he is blaming you for his unhappiness, you may look for ways to improve the relationship and understand why he is always blaming you.
Understanding Blame Shifting
When your boyfriend blames you for everything, even when you do not deserve it, he is blame-shifting. According to Dr.Daniel Amen, a physician, and psychiatrist, blaming is a losing game where the winner becomes the loser.
Dr. Daniel Amen says, “People who ruin their own lives have a strong tendency to blame others when things go wrong.”
They lack emotional maturity and see negative situations as other people’s responsibilities. In some instances, the blame shifter may be doing so unconsciously and may not understand their fault. They use it as a form of coping mechanism.
For instance, if you catch your boyfriend cheating, he may say, “If you did not hurt me, I would not cheat on you.” He will blow the situation out of proportion, and you will end up apologizing for his infidelity.
In other instances, the blame shifter will dismiss your feelings. For example, if your boyfriend does something that upsets you and you tell him, he may say that you are “too sensitive” or “you are overreacting.” Your boyfriend will do this as a form of gaslighting to show you are inflating the size of the transgression.
When your boyfriend knows you have figured him out and he has no way out, he will use a stink bomb. He may tell you to go to hell or do your worst. He no longer cares.
Why Does Your Boyfriend Blame You for Everything?
It is frustrating when your boyfriend blames you for everything, and you would want to know why he blames you. There are many reasons why your boyfriend may be blaming you for everything. Some of the reasons include the following;
1. He Is a Narcissist
One of the main reasons why your boyfriend may be blaming you is because he is a narcissist. A narcissist will blame everyone and everything for his faults.
A narcissist believes that he is better than everyone else. If you suspect that your boyfriend is a narcissist, here are signs to look out for;
- He is charming at first– a narcissist believes he should date the best people and will keep complimenting you. They may tell you they love you too early in the relationship. It is flattering to hear someone loves you, but if you think it’s too early, it may be.
- He lacks empathy– if you are dating someone who does not have empathy for others and doesn’t have emotional empathy, he may be a narcissist. This is because they cannot feel what another person feels. For example, does your boyfriend ask about your day? Does he care when you have a bad day at work? He is a narcissist if he doesn’t care when you are sad or angry.
- He is entitled– if your boyfriend is overly entitled, he is a narcissist. He expects you to be at his every beck and call, and he does not appreciate being corrected. He may also get upset when you treat them as “common” because they believe they are better than others.
- They dominate the conversation– A narcissist will dominate the conversation, they have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and they expect to be recognized as special or superior. According to Dr. Angela Grace, a clinical psychologist, narcissists exaggerate their achievements to show their superiority.
- He wants to be the center of attention– if your boyfriend always wants to be the center of attention, he is a narcissist. He does not want to be ignored in a group and gets upset when another person gets more attention than him.
- He takes advantage of others– if your boyfriend likes taking advantage of other people, he is a narcissist. If you suspect he is with you or is friends with someone to gain favors, then he is a narcissist. For instance, he will be friends with his coworkers to get them to do his job for him or may be friends with someone to use their car or something.
- He does not have many friends– a narcissist will have a hard time keeping friends because, after some time, most people will know they are being used and opt out of the friendship. So, if your boyfriend doesn’t have a lot of friends, he may be a narcissist.
According to Dr. Theresa Covert, author of Gaslighting: A Narcissist’s Favorite Tool of Manipulation, a narcissist will gaslight you and manipulate you to do what they want or subdue you. There are, however, ways you can take control from a narcissist; according to Covert, they include;
- Disengage from their drama.
- Control your emotions.
- Set boundaries.
- Understand that they will not change, and don’t try to change them.
- Put your needs first.
- Stop saying sorry.
- Do not encourage bad behavior.
2. He Is Stressed
If your boyfriend blames you for everything, he may be stressed. For example, if he is going through a tough time at work or school, and you do something to upset him, he may take out his stress on you and blame you for everything that is going wrong in his life.
3. He Is Annoyed with You.
Sometimes your boyfriend may blame you for everything if he is annoyed with you and is not telling you. This is because when you are annoyed with someone, you tend to think they cause all your misfortunes.
So, if your boyfriend harbors unresolved resentment towards you, he may blame you for everything.
In addition, when you lack the communication skills to deal with disagreements in the relationship, you may resent each other. This resentment may end up leading to a blame game in the relationship.
4. He Is Unhappy in The Relationship
If your boyfriend is unhappy in the relationship, he may start blaming you for everything. Sometimes, people who do not know how to communicate their feelings will tend to blame if they are unhappy in their relationships.
For instance, if your boyfriend is unhappy in the relationship, he may start seeing other people, and when caught, he will blame you for his infidelity.
For example, I have a boyfriend who cheated on me; when I asked why he did it, he said I had been so busy and was not available for him sexually; mind you, I was recovering from surgery. He blamed me for his infidelity, and needless to say, I left him immediately.
5. He Has Low Self-Esteem
If your boyfriend has low self-esteem, he may be afraid of admitting when he is wrong. So instead, he will blame you to protect himself.
How Does Blaming Shift Affect Your Relationship?
Blaming your partner is one of the ways you can ruin a relationship. Blame shifting affects your relationship in many ways, some of which include;
- It widens the communication gap in the relationship– when you are blame-shifting, there is no room for proper communication. If your partner blames you for everything, you will not want to talk to him and will resent him.
- You will think everything is your fault– when your boyfriend blames you for everything, you may believe him. Unfortunately, when someone tells you so many times that you are to blame, you may end up believing it’s true and blame yourself too.
- You will be afraid to make decisions in the relationship– when your boyfriend is always blaming you for everything, you may take a step back from making decisions because you are afraid of the repercussions. You do not want to go through another episode of emotional abuse because you bought a wall painting, so you don’t make any decisions, big or small.
- You resent your boyfriend– if your boyfriend is blaming you for everything, you will start resenting him. This resentment will build up over time, and you may not be able to stand having him around you anymore.
- You have regular fights with your boyfriend– if your boyfriend blames you for everything, you will start having regular fights. This is due to the lack of communication and pent-up resentment in the relationship. For example, if your boyfriend blames you for his cheating, you will want to set the record straight, leading to a fight because he does not want to accept his mistakes.
- You may start getting used to the abuse- sometimes, when you are exposed to abuse for a long time, you may start accepting the abuse as a norm. When you are exposed to abuse for a long time, it will erode your self-esteem and dignity. You will not be able to confront your abuser and will have no confidence to leave.
What To Do When Your Boyfriend Blames You For Everything
Having your boyfriend blame you for everything is tough, and you may want to know what to do. You can do many things when your boyfriend blames you for everything. Some of the things you can do if your boyfriend blames you for everything include;
When your boyfriend blames you, you should listen to him. Try and understand why he is blaming you. One of the key elements to good communication in a relationship is good listening skills. So, listen to your boyfriend and listen to understand, not to answer.
Let your partner talk without interrupting them, and explain your side of the story after they are done talking. Interrupting them will only make them angrier, and guess who will get blamed for the anger?
If your boyfriend blames you for something you did, it will be good to own up and apologize. This will help you get along better with your boyfriend, and you will be in a better position to talk to him when he blames you for something you didn’t do.
When apologizing, do not make excuses for what you did. However, you can explain what contributed to you acting the way you did.
It would also go a long way if you smiled and relaxed your face when apologizing. Additionally, you can hold your boyfriend’s hand if he is relaxed enough to let you hold it.
3. Seek Help
If your boyfriend blames you because he is stressed or has low self-esteem, it would be prudent to seek professional help. A professional will help your boyfriend deal with his stresses and give you tools to help you support him.
Moreover, if your boyfriend blames you because he has low self-esteem, a professional will help him with tools to improve his self-esteem. They will also help you with tools to help your boyfriend improve his esteem.
4. Remember That You Are Not Always to Blame
If your boyfriend always blames you for everything, you should remember that the blame is not yours. Sometimes the person who is blaming you is projecting.
It would help if you also remembered that your boyfriend might blame you because they do not have a healthy outlet for their emotions.
Moreover, they may blame you because they have low self-esteem or a narcissist, which has nothing to do with you.
5. Leave Him
If your boyfriend is blaming you for everything because he is a narcissist, it may be time to leave him. It is time to leave when your boyfriend is gaslighting you and emotionally abusing you.
According to Dr. Covert, a narcissist will never change. Therefore, the best way to deal with him is not to entertain his drama and leave the relationship.
The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the harder it is to leave. So, it is better to leave when you still have some self-esteem because a narcissist will break you down and leave without confidence or dignity.
Chronic blaming is a sign of emotional abuse. If your boyfriend blames you for everything, he may be a narcissist, stressed, or have low self-esteem.
There are many ways constant blame-shifting affects relationships, including widening the communication gap in the relationship and building resentment. You may also think everything is your fault if your boyfriend keeps blaming you for everything.
The best way to handle someone who blames you for everything is to listen to them and apologize when you are in the wrong.
You may also try seeking professional help. If all else fails or your boyfriend blames you because he is a narcissist, you should pack your bags and leave him when you still can.
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Sarah Williams is an author at CandidHaven.com she is an expert in human psychology having graduated with an M.S. in Psychology.
Sarah has extensive experience in relationships and dating therapy having worked for over 6 years with different groups of people including teens, dating couples, and married people.
She is a lover of life, and self-development and believes everyone deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship. Sarah loves reading self-help books and doing research on human psychology.