This article will help you better understand why your boyfriend gets angry with you when you are upset, how it may affect your relationship, and what you can do about it.
When you are upset, you want someone compassionate near you. If your boyfriend gets angry when you get upset, it may get your moods low and may even affect your relationship.
Having feelings is okay, and no one should tell you otherwise. However, many people prefer some feelings over others. People will know how to react if you are happy and excited, unlike when you are sad or angry.
Nevertheless, we cannot pick the feelings we get to feel and discard the others. You cannot control the feelings you get.
According to Tom Bruett, a psychotherapist in Colorado, many couples go to therapy because one of the partners claims their partner gets angry when they talk about their feelings.
If your boyfriend gets angry when you get upset, it may get hard to open up to him. You cannot open up to someone you feel disregards your feelings.
Read on to learn more if your boyfriend gets angry when you get upset.
Reasons Your Boyfriend Gets Angry When You Get Upset
When your boyfriend gets angry when you are upset, it may worry you and be a red flag. If you wonder why he gets angry when you are upset, here are a few reasons.
1. He Has Anger Issues
According to Erin Eatough, anger issues are a huge red flag in a relationship. If your boyfriend gets angry with you when you are upset, he could have anger issues. Of course, we all get angry now and then; however, if your boyfriend reacts more aggressively than you think he should, he may have anger issues.
If you worry that your boyfriend has anger issues, here are a few signs you should look out for.
- He gets angry over little things– if your boyfriend gets angry over little mistakes and will not take an apology and rub it into your face how sloppy you are, he has anger issues. He will also call you out in front of your friends and family and will not care whether he embarrasses you.
- He shouts at you– if your boyfriend is always shouting at you when you are upset or when you make a mistake, no matter how little; he has anger issues. Your boyfriend should be compassionate when talking to you, even if you have made a mistake.
- He does not take responsibility– if your boyfriend has anger issues, he will not take responsibility when he does something wrong. Instead, he will get angry and gaslight you into thinking you are the one in the wrong. He doesn’t accept his mistakes and will always find an excuse for why he did what he did.
- He is violent– if your boyfriend is violent, he has anger issues. If your boyfriend threatens to hit you or hits you when he gets mad, he is dealing with serious anger issues. Moreover, if you find that he tries to hit you, but he restrains himself, it is a red flag and a sign of a toxic relationship. If your boyfriend hits you or threatens to hit you, you should call for help and leave the relationship immediately.
- He shows sudden rage– if your boyfriend gets angry, suddenly he may have anger issues. If, for instance, you are having a conversation and his calm face changes out of the blue and he gets a temper or hits things when he is enraged, he has anger issues.
- He doesn’t show remorse– if your boyfriend is never sorry for anything he does wrong, he may have anger issues. He believes he should be the one pointing out people’s mistakes and will not appreciate being called out for what he does wrong. On the other hand, he may show remorse but will never apologize for anything he does wrong.
- He cannot communicate– if your boyfriend has a hard time communicating and results in screaming and shouting, he has anger issues. He cannot stand arguing, and he will always want to be in control of the conversation. They will also not want to validate your opinions and will turn the discussion around.
- He damages property when angry– this is right up there on signs of anger issues. If your boyfriend throws around things or damages things when he is angry, he has major anger issues and may end up hitting you with the things he throws around.
For instance, I have a friend whose husband would get angry and throw things in the house. For example, if he was eating, he could throw the plate or whatever was closest to him. I warned my friend the husband would direct the next thing he threw at her. In two months, she called sobbing; he threw something and hit her.
- People walk on eggshells around him– Your boyfriend may have anger issues if everyone in his life walks on eggshells around him. No one wants to rub him the wrong way because he will flare up over the smallest things.
2. He Had a Traumatic Past
Your boyfriend might get angry when you get upset if he has a traumatic past. According to the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, many people feel anger after a trauma. Anger helps you cope with a stressful situation by giving you the energy to keep going in the face of danger or trouble.
So, if your boyfriend gets angry when you are upset, he may be dealing with PTSD. This could stem from his childhood or a past relationship. Your feelings might trigger an angry response if he went through a trauma.
If he went through childhood trauma, it might have affected how he controls his emotions. Moreover, if someone betrayed him in a past relationship, it may trigger him, and he may get angry.
3. He Does Not Know How to Respond to Your Feelings
Your boyfriend may get angry when you are upset because he does not know how to react to your feelings. According to Bruett, there is a difference in how men and women talk about their feelings. In most relationships, men have a hard time expressing their feelings because they are socialized differently than women.
If your boyfriend gets angry when you are upset, it may be because he does not know what to do to help you. Men are taught to be the hero growing up, and he may get mad at himself when he does not know how to handle your feelings when you get upset.
4. He is stressed
Your boyfriend may get angry when you get upset because he is stressed. If your boyfriend has some issues bothering him at work or school, he may get angry when you are upset. Some people don’t know how to handle stress and may project it into anger.
For instance, I tend to get very irritable and angry over small things if I am stressed. Your boyfriend may be the same. He may see you talking about your feelings when he is stressed as a bother and an addition to his stress and might get angry.
5. He doesn’t like you anymore
When someone falls out of love with you, everything you do will bother him. If your boyfriend gets angry when you are upset and did not get angry before, it could mean he is over you.
If you do not like someone, you will find it annoying when they talk about their feelings because you would rather be talking to someone else or doing something else.
So, your boyfriend may get angry when you talk about your feelings because you are no longer important to him, and he doesn’t care about your feelings.
How Does It Affect Your Relationship If Your Boyfriend Gets Angry When You Get Upset?
If your boyfriend gets angry when you get upset, it is bound to affect your relationship negatively. Here are ways that your boyfriend’s anger affects your relationship.
- You walk on eggshells– if your boyfriend always gets angry when you get upset, you will start walking on eggshells around him. No one wants an angry person around them; you will do everything in your power not to arouse the beast in your boyfriend.
- There will be no communication– communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. However, if your boyfriend gets angry when you are upset or talk about your feelings, you will avoid telling him how you feel so he may not get upset. If you cannot talk to the person you love about what you feel, you will end up not talking at all.
- Safety goes out the door– you are supposed to feel safe in your relationship. However, if your boyfriend gets angry when you talk about your feelings, you will no longer feel safe talking about your feelings in the relationship. You will not open up or trust someone you do not feel safe with. Without safety, there is no connection, and the relationship is in trouble.
- Your health deteriorates– according to research, anger issues can lead to cardiovascular diseases like hypertension for the person getting angry. On the other hand, the person to whom the anger is directed may start having panic and anxiety attacks.
For instance, I once had a boss who would always scream and yell at the slightest provocation; sometimes, he did not need to be provoked. Finally, it became so bad that I started having anxiety attacks when I thought about going to work.
Anger may also affect people who are not in the relationship. For instance, if your boyfriend gets angry and goes for a drive, his angry driving may lead to a road accident, affecting the general public. According to research, anger leads to more accidents than you may think.
What To Do If Your Boyfriend Gets Angry When You Get Upset
If your boyfriend gets angry at you when you are upset, you may want to get a solution to the problem. You can do several things if your boyfriend gets angry at you when you get upset. Some of them include the following.
Communication is everything in a relationship. Talk to your boyfriend about how you feel when he gets angry when you are upset. Try to make him understand that it is okay to have feelings and that you need compassion from him when you talk about your feelings.
However, when talking to him, try to be calm and polite and do not sound accusatory. If you come off accusatory, you will trigger his anger and not accomplish your goal.
2. Leave When He Gets Angry
If your boyfriend gets angry when you talk to him about your feelings, excuse yourself and walk away. Nothing you will say will make the situation better.
So, walk away and wait for him to calm down.
3. See A Professional
If your boyfriend is always angry when you get upset, he may have anger issues, and you should seek professional help. A professional will help your boyfriend with anger management.
In addition, they will give you tools to help you support your boyfriend through his anger management journey.
A professional will also help your boyfriend if his anger is from stress. They will show them how to handle stress better. They will also show him how to communicate better when stressed and handle his emotions.
If your boyfriend’s anger stems from PTSD, a therapist will work with him, debunk his trauma, and help him work through it. A therapist will also help you know how to better communicate your feelings to your boyfriend without triggering him if he has PTSD.
4. Walk Away from The Relationship
If your boyfriend gets angry when you are upset because he does not like you anymore, the best thing to do is to walk away from the relationship. You deserve someone who loves you and makes you feel safe in a relationship.
If your boyfriend gets angry when you are upset, you will not feel safe and avoid talking about your feelings.
Moreover, if your boyfriend gets angry when you get upset because he has anger issues and will not work on them, it is time to pack and go. If your boyfriend abuses you, threatens to hit you, or hits you due to anger issues, walk away, report to the authorities, and get help.
Final Thoughts On Your Boyfriend Getting Angry When You Get Upset
Having feelings is okay, and we should have a safe place to express our feelings. If your boyfriend gets angry when you are upset, it is a huge red flag in a relationship that you should not ignore.
There are many reasons your boyfriend might get angry when you get upset if he has anger issues, is stressed, or has PTSD. He may also get mad if he does not know how to handle your feelings or doesn’t like you anymore.
Anger issues will affect a relationship in many ways; you will lack communication and walk on eggshells around your partner; moreover, it will affect your health and your partner’s health. You will also feel unsafe in the relationship.
If you are dealing with anger issues in your relationship, communicate with your boyfriend and seek professional help. You can also leave when your boyfriend gets angry and come back to talk when he calms down. If all else fails or your boyfriend threatens to hit you or hits you, pack and go.
It is not worth staying in an abusive relationship, whether physical, emotional, or psychological. You deserve better.
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Sarah Williams is an author at CandidHaven.com she is an expert in human psychology having graduated with an M.S. in Psychology.
Sarah has extensive experience in relationships and dating therapy having worked for over 6 years with different groups of people including teens, dating couples, and married people.
She is a lover of life, and self-development and believes everyone deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship. Sarah loves reading self-help books and doing research on human psychology.