In this article, we will explore why your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, its repercussions on the relationship, and what you can do about it.
In a relationship, communication is essential to make the relationship work. Partners rely on each other for support and understanding.
However, sometimes frustrations are bound to set in when people are together for a long time, which can lead your boyfriend to complain about you to his friends.
It is common for people to seek solace in their friends when they have difficulties in their relationships.
However, if your boyfriend constantly complains about you to his friends, there may be some serious consequences for the relationship.
Reasons Your Boyfriend Complains About You To His Friends
If your boyfriend constantly complains about you to his friends, you will want to know the reasons behind his behavior.
Some of these reasons include the following;
1. It Is A Coping Mechanism
Your boyfriend complains about you to his friends as a coping mechanism for the problems in the relationship.
Some people are not good at talking about problems with their partners because they are afraid of confrontation, so they turn to complain to their friends about you.
Dr. Rebecca Lawson, a psychologist from Cambridge University, says, “When individuals face challenges or conflicts within their relationship, they may turn to their friends for emotional support and validation.
Venting allows them to release built-up emotions and seek advice on how to navigate the difficulties they are experiencing.”
However, as much as we want to complain to our friends about our relationship problems, Lawson warns that excessive venting may perpetuate negativity and hinder problem-solving in the relationship.
2. He Is Seeking Validation
If your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, he could be looking for validation from his friends. In relationships, we will have frustrations now and then.
If your boyfriend is having frustrations in the relationship, he will want to seek validation for his feelings from his friends.
By complaining about you to his friends, your boyfriend is looking for assurances his grievances are valid.
Sometimes we go to our friends to feel a sense of sodality because most of the time, our friends will agree.
For example, when I am going through problems in my relationship, I talk to my friends and seek their advice if I don’t know what to do; this happens a lot as my girlfriends share their problems too.
Talking about our relationship problems eases our stress, and we get validation for our feelings. However, we also call each other out if our friend is in the wrong.
So, your boyfriend complains about you to his friends to have a sense of solidarity and get validation from his friends.
However, your boyfriend complaining about you to his friends may lead to validation bias where he only shows your negative side, distorting perceptions and hindering efforts to address the underlying issues.
3. He Lacks Effective Communication Skills
One of the major reasons your boyfriend complains about you to his friends is he lacks effective communication skills.
Communication is the cornerstone of every relationship; without it, the relationship will fail.
So, if your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, he could lack the skills to express his needs and emotions.
As a result, he will feel as if you disregard his feelings, and he will therefore turn to his friends because he feels they understand him better.
4. He Is Looking For Advice
If your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, he could be seeking advice.
You may have problems in your relationship you don’t know how to deal with. You may have tried all the means available and not get a solution.
In this case, your boyfriend may complain about you to his friends to get advice on dealing with the problems in the relationship.
Moreover, he may know his friends went through a similar situation and believe they are in a good position to advise him.
However, when seeking advice from friends, it is imperative to consider potential biases and limitations of a friend’s advice.
Dr. Mark Thompson recommends using friends’ advice as a supplement to open and honest communication with one’s partner.
5. He Wants A Different Perspective
Your boyfriend may complain about you to his friends to get a different perspective on your relationship issue.
Sometimes when we have problems, we need fresh eyes to look at the problems.
So, if your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, he wants his friends to offer a fresh perspective on your relationship problems.
According to Thompson, people complain to their friends to gain different insights on how to navigate relationship problems.
6. He Prioritizes His Friends Over You
If your boyfriend prioritizes his friends over you, he will complain about you to them. He wants them to know your faults so he can have a scapegoat when he wrongs them.
For instance, if your boyfriend prioritizes his friends over you, he will complain about you to them.
For example, he will tell them how slow and lazy you are or how long it takes you to prepare to get out of the house; this way, when he is late, he will blame everything on you.
7. He Doesn’t Like You Anymore
When deeply in love with someone, you protect them by all means. So, if your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, he couldn’t like you anymore.
If your boyfriend has fallen out of love with you, he will not care how your friends view you and will not protect your image from them.
So, he will constantly complain about you to them. He may be looking for validation for his decision to leave you.
Impact of Your Boyfriend Complaining About You to His Friends
When your boyfriend constantly complains about you to his friends, it can significantly affect the relationship and your emotional well-being.
Some of the consequences of your boyfriend complaining about you to his friends include;
1. Loss of Trust and Confidentiality
When your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, you will lose his trust. Sharing intimate details about a relationship with friends may seem harmless at first.
However, it can cause you to lose trust in your partner for sharing confidential information about your relationship.
Dr. Sarah Stevens, a therapist, says, “When partners share intimate information with each other, they are creating a bond of trust.
Breaking this trust by sharing private matters with friends can lead to feelings of betrayal and erode the foundation of the relationship.”
2. Low Self-Esteem
When your boyfriend constantly complains about you to his friends, it can erode your self-esteem.
When you are in a relationship with someone, you want them to support you and be there for you always.
However, if your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, he will create a negative narrative in his friends’ eyes.
You will feel inadequate if your boyfriend complains about you to his friends.
3. Lack of Intimacy
When you find out your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, you will feel betrayed, leading you to withdraw from the relationship emotionally.
Moreover, when you withdraw emotionally, you will not want to be intimate with your partner.
According to research, a lack of intimacy leads to breakups. Moreover, a lack of emotional intimacy can lead to a lack of emotional support in the relationship, leading to more strain.
4. It Leads to Breakups
If your boyfriend constantly complains about you to his friends, it will make you feel inadequate.
No one wants to be with someone who makes them feel inadequate. So, you will break up with him to claim your sanity.
5. It Affects The Friendship Dynamics
As much as friends give a listening ear, it is important to know the consequences of complaining about a partner to them.
Complaining about your partner to your friends will make your friends negatively perceive them.
So, if your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, his friends will have a negative perception of you, and even if you make up with your boyfriend, his friends will always think of you in the light your boyfriend painted you.
Dr. Lisa Thompson says, “Sharing negative aspects of a relationship with friends can impact their perception of the partner and the relationship as a whole.
Friends may develop a biased perspective, leading to strain in the friendship and potential judgment towards the partner.”
According to Thompson, one should seek a balance between venting and maintaining a healthy friendship dynamic.
In addition, we must consider the implications of what we share with our friends and strike a balance between expressing their feelings and respecting their partner’s privacy.
What To Do If Your Boyfriend Complains About You To His Friends
If your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, you will want to have a solution to the problem. Here are some things you can do;
1. Talk To Him
Communication is key in a relationship, so if your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, you should talk to him.
Understand his reasons for complaining about you to his friends and work through the problems together.
Your boyfriend may complain to his friends because he is seeking an emotional outlet, seeking advice, or trying to gain a different perspective.
Whatever his reasons are, talking to him will help you understand where he is coming from.
It doesn’t mean your boyfriend intentionally tries to undermine or criticize you when he complains about you to his friends.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries
If your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, you should set clear and healthy boundaries in the relationship and with your friends.
For example, you should discuss what issues you can discuss with your friends and what you should keep private.
Setting clear boundaries enables both partners to respect each other’s needs and prevent unnecessary misunderstandings.
3. Encourage Openness In The Relationship
Your boyfriend may complain about you to his friends because he feels unheard and unappreciated in the relationship.
You should promote a safe environment in the relationship where both partners feel safe to air their grievances openly.
You should encourage your boyfriend to open up about his feelings and thoughts directly with you instead of complaining to his friend.
It is imperative to assure your boyfriend you will listen to his concerns without judgment.
4. Reflect On Your Behavior
While addressing your boyfriend’s complaints about you to his friends is vital, you should also reflect on your behavior.
Self-reflection is a powerful tool for personal growth and relationship development.
If your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, consider if there are areas you could improve or contribute to a more fulfilling relationship.
Self-improvement demonstrates a commitment to the relationship and sets a positive example for your boyfriend.
5. Seek Professional Help
If your boyfriend complains about you to his friends and the issue persists, it may be time to seek professional help from a couples therapist.
A therapist will help you start productive communication on a neutral ground to help you work through the problems in the relationship.
Couples therapy can help you build trust, improve communication and strengthen the emotional bond between you and your boyfriend.
Communication is important in a relationship; however, sometimes your boyfriend may have frustrations and seek solace in his friends.
There are many reasons your boyfriend may complain about you to his friends. Some include; seeking advice, looking for a new perspective, seeking validation, or using it as a coping mechanism.
If your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, it will affect your relationship and friendship.
It will lead to loss of trust and confidentiality, lack of intimacy, and breakups and may cause low self-esteem.
If your boyfriend complains about you to his friends, you should talk to him and understand his reasons.
You should also set healthy boundaries, encourage openness in the relationship, and reflect on your behavior. Finally, if all else fails, you should seek professional help.
Photo by Claudia Barbosa on Pexels.com
Sarah Williams is an author at CandidHaven.com she is an expert in human psychology having graduated with an M.S. in Psychology.
Sarah has extensive experience in relationships and dating therapy having worked for over 6 years with different groups of people including teens, dating couples, and married people.
She is a lover of life, and self-development and believes everyone deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship. Sarah loves reading self-help books and doing research on human psychology.