Have you ever felt like your boyfriend deserves better? You are not alone; many people feel this at some point in their relationships. It is a case of dating imposter syndrome.
If you feel your boyfriend is too good or attractive for you. You may feel like he deserves better than you.
Imposter syndrome is mostly felt by people in professional circles where you feel like you do not deserve what you worked hard for.
However, in the dating scene, imposter syndrome makes you feel like you do not deserve a good boyfriend.
According to David Bennett, a certified counselor, and relationship expert, some people believe they are less attractive, less successful, or have fewer morals than their partners, who they are actually perfect for.
Sometimes we shortchange ourselves. You end up breaking up with a good guy because you can’t believe he loves you, and you believe you landed him out of luck.
What Do You Do if You Feel Your Boyfriend Deserves Better?
When I first got together with my current boyfriend, I was from a toxic on-and-off relationship. However, my boyfriend was so good to me and still is.
He is the type of person who goes out of his way to pick you up from work every day, would spend time with me, and get me gifts. He would also cook for me every chance he got. I loved it and loved him for it.
However, coming from a toxic relationship where my ex never reciprocated my love, I felt inadequate. I believed he deserves someone better than me. After all, he is the perfect boyfriend.
Do not get me wrong, I love him, but he deserves someone better than me in my head. Someone who is not as “damaged.” He was too good for me.
Sometimes you feel like your boyfriend deserves better, but you love him and want the relationship to work. You may wonder what to do to overcome the dating imposter syndrome.
Here are some tips on what to do if you think your boyfriend deserves better.
1. Realize the Feelings Are Normal
According to Sarah Epstein, a marriage and family therapist, when you have imposter syndrome, you tend to beat yourself up about everything, including the imposter syndrome.
As a result, many people feel anxious when they get into a new relationship.
However, she says, “Confidence comes with time and being with somebody that helps us feel good about ourselves. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.”
2. Understand This Is Irrational Thinking
You need to understand that imposter syndrome is just irrational thoughts. And as much as you would want to think, you read minds. You don’t.
For instance, you may feel your boyfriend is unhappy with you. Or that they believe you are not good enough for them.
Realizing that you cannot read someone’s mind will help you realize that your thoughts about the person are off-base.
3. Talk to Your Boyfriend
The key to any relationship is communication. When you feel insecure in the relationship, the best you can do is talk to your boyfriend about your feelings and insecurities.
You may be surprised to know that they also think you may be too good for them.
One time I talked to my boyfriend about my insecurities; it turns out he was afraid to speak to me for a whole year because he thought I was too good for him and out of his league.
So, if you are feeling inadequate, talk to your boyfriend. You may be surprised to learn they also feel insecure and wonder what they did to deserve you.
4. Work On Your Self-Esteem
According to Martinez, the root cause of dating imposter syndrome is low self-esteem. If your boyfriend feels like he hit the jackpot being with you and you feel like you do not deserve them, you have a big difference in how you think about yourself and how other people think about you.
You can work on your self-esteem by having daily affirmations and spending time with people who appreciate you. You should also set some small goals and work to achieve them.
5. Talk to Your Inner Critic
According to Epstein, the inner voice that expresses your imposter syndrome is your “inner internet troll.” The one way to stop believing what your voices tell you is to talk back to them.
If, for instance, you ask yourself what your boyfriend sees in you, you can list all the good things about yourself.
6. Put the Facts First
When you have imposter syndrome, you will have frequent emotional thoughts. You will believe your thoughts that you are not good enough.
Pay attention to the facts. How does your boyfriend treat you? What can you add to the relationship?
7. Employ Affirmations
Sometimes you may be in the habit of pessimistic thinking when you have dating imposter syndrome.
Try to break the cycle with daily self-affirmations; they help you enhance your self-esteem and overcome your imposter syndrome.
Some of the affirmations you can have are;
- I am worthy of love, flaws, and all.
- I accept all of me with love.
- I am beautiful and unique.
- I love who I am.
- I am a gift to the world.
- I deserve to be happy.
- Like everyone, I have both strengths and weaknesses.
- No one is perfect.
- We are all works in progress.
- I believe in myself.
- I am enough.
- I have a lot to offer.
- I shower myself with compassion.
- I shine like a diamond.
- I won’t apologize for being myself.
8. Do Not Compare Yourself to Others
Comparing yourself to others does no good, especially if you have imposter syndrome. You will always find someone better than you in one aspect or the other.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and some people look at you and envy you.
9. Accept Compliments
It can be challenging to accept compliments if you feel your boyfriend deserves better than you.
However, accept the compliments even if you feel like you do not deserve them. No matter what your insecurities tell you, the compliments are genuine, and you should accept them gracefully.
If you ever encounter someone with imposter syndrome, make a deliberate effort to offer genuine compliments to them. Compliments reinforce your positive qualities.
10. Identify Your Triggers
If you feel like you do not deserve the good relationship you are in, there is a chance that certain circumstances or people may trigger these feelings.
For example, the triggers may be toxic family members who make you feel worthless, or they may be from social media.
You need to identify your triggers and make an effort to avoid them so you may heal.
11. Learn To Forgive Yourself
For most people, imposter syndrome sneaks up on them when they make mistakes. You need to learn to forgive yourself if you are one of these people.
No one is perfect as much as we would want to be, and you will make mistakes in your relationship.
For example, you may forget to take out the trash or pick up the dry-cleaning your boyfriend requested you to pick up for him. It is okay; human is to error. Forgive yourself.
Your boyfriend will still love you even if you make mistakes. Because he will also make some, we are just human, after all.
12. See a Therapist
See a therapist if you find it so hard to overcome your dating imposter syndrome on your own.
Sometimes the imposter syndrome may originate from childhood traumas, past toxic relationships, or a mental health condition like depression.
Working with a therapist will help you get to the root cause of your imposter syndrome and help you heal. You cannot accept love if your inner child is ailing and feels she does not deserve the love.
Know The Signs of Dating Imposter Syndrome
According to research, imposter syndrome affects likable and successful people because people who see themselves as imposters often believe that good things happen to them out of luck and not because they deserve them or worked for them.
Sometimes you may have imposter syndrome and may not know it. Some of the signs of imposter syndrome in a relationship are;
1. Feeling like you cannot keep your boyfriend happy.
Have you ever felt like you are not making your boyfriend happy? You may have dating imposter syndrome. Your boyfriend is happy with you; that is why he is with you.
2. Feeling that you are not good enough and that your partner will eventually find out you are a fraud and leave you.
When I started dating my boyfriend, I felt he deserved more than I could offer. I was afraid that one day he would wake up and realize that I was not good for him and leave me.
I believed I needed to be perfect for him to love me, and he would leave me if he found out I was not perfect. Well, one year and five months later, he is still here and the loving guy he always was.
3. You worry that people wonder how your boyfriend ended up with you.
If you ever worry that other people may think you don’t deserve your boyfriend or wonder how you ended up together. You may have imposter syndrome.
4. Feeling like you do not deserve attention and affection.
If you feel like you do not deserve all the attention and affection you get from your boyfriend; you may have dating imposter syndrome.
5. Playing hard to get
According to a psychologist, Erika Martinez, one of the signs of dating imposter syndrome is playing hard to get and dating people who are not good for you and sabotaging relationships.
People use this defense mechanism to avoid rejection because they secretly think their partners will reject them.
6. You wonder what your partner sees in you.
You may have imposter syndrome if you keep wondering what your partner sees in you and what he likes about you. This is one question I have asked myself one too many times.
7. Looking for constant reassurances
If you feel insecure if you don’t get constant reassurance from your boyfriend, you may have dating imposter syndrome.
You may be one of the people who only feel secure in your relationship if your boyfriend reassures you of his feelings.
For instance, it is imposter syndrome if you do not feel like your boyfriend loves you because he did not tell you he loves you one day or after a short time.
How Does Dating Imposter Syndrome Affect My Relationship?
Imposter syndrome takes a toll on your relations as time goes by; some of the ways it affects your relationship include;
- You do not trust other people and, therefore, cannot be vulnerable around people
- You self-sabotage
- You doubt those around you.
- You settle for less than you deserve.
- You become angry when you do get the validation that you need.
What Are the Signs of Dating Imposter Syndrome?
There are many signs that you have dating imposter syndrome. Some of the signs include;
- You doubt yourself.
- You have difficulties owning your accomplishments.
- You obsess over small mistakes.
- You feel you do not deserve the relationship.
- You think the relationship is too good to be true.
- You think that your boyfriend will find out you are a fraud.
- If your boyfriend does not validate you, you feel bad about yourself.
- You think you are not good enough for your boyfriend.
What Does My Boyfriend Deserve in the Relationship?
Your boyfriend deserves as much as you do in the relationship. Here are some things that you and your boyfriend deserve in the relationship.
- Someone who challenges him.
- Someone who is not afraid to tell him when is wrong.
- Someone who loves them for who they are and does not try to change them.
- Someone who respects their differences.
- Someone who supports their dreams and goals.
- Someone who makes them feel safe.
- Someone honest with him and with themselves.
- Someone who trusts them.
- A teammate.
Final Thoughts on My boyfriend deserves better
Dating imposter syndrome is as common as professional imposter syndrome. Sometimes you feel like you are not good enough for your boyfriend and wonder what he is doing with you.
This feeling can take a toll on your relationship, and you may end up breaking up with him so that he will not wake up one day and realize you are a fraud and leave you.
It is essential to work on overcoming the imposter syndrome to have a fulfilling relationship. The tips above will help you work to overcome your insecurities and thrive in your relationship.
Recommended Read: My Boyfriend Finds My Friend Attractive
Featured Photo by Min An
Sarah Williams is an author at CandidHaven.com she is an expert in human psychology having graduated with an M.S. in Psychology.
Sarah has extensive experience in relationships and dating therapy having worked for over 6 years with different groups of people including teens, dating couples, and married people.
She is a lover of life, and self-development and believes everyone deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship. Sarah loves reading self-help books and doing research on human psychology.